| Pizza the Hutt! |
[Tue, 06-Oct-2009 21:50] |
| [ | Tags | | | food | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Minimum Chips -- Alaska | ] |
Does anybody remember a time when pizzas were pizzas? These days stuffed pizza crusts are out of control, all in the name of jacking up prices. Today I saw an ad for a pizza with garlic bread or some shit built into the crust. Srsly wtfbbq, what next?
"Introducing the new Pizza-Crust™ Pizza! It's your favourite boring-brand pizza and inside the crust is.. more pizza! Now you customise your overpriced pizza with more crust choices like 20-Cheese Crust, Lasagne Crust and Choc-Top Ice Cream Crust!"
I'm totally patenting this ungodly abomination. |
|
|
| Dream #002 |
[Thu, 09-Jul-2009 23:50] |
| [ | Tags | | | dreams | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Cocteau Twins -- Little Spacey | ] |
I'm in the jungles of Vietnam and I'm very alone. Charlie is after me and the jungle is so chaotic and overgrown that I'm finding it hard to fight my way through it. The situation is intense and I'm terrified out of my mind.
The path I'm running along suddenly ends in a 50 foot drop to a raging river below. Rather than jump to certain death, I grab hold of vines and begin edging my way around the cliff-face in heroic fashion. Bullets are flying past me everywhere as I'm suspended from the vines.
I finally make it around the cliff but it was all in vain since the next thing I know I've been captured. The Viet Cong march me through a make-shift POW camp, which is in a small clearing in the jungle. I suddenly notice many of my friends are already here in the camp, sitting casually and looking quite content inside their bamboo cells.
My captors lead me to my cell and then an older lady hands me a menu from which I can order food. So I guess things weren't so bad after all..
March 2, 2009 |
|
|
| Dream #001 |
[Wed, 08-Jul-2009 21:48] |
| [ | Tags | | | dreams | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Snog -- The Universe | ] |
I'm bumming around when I overhear a call-out on the taxi radio. Sylvester Stallone is stranded out in the country and needs a lift. He's stuck on a train line only half an hour out from the city. So I take the call, put down my half-eaten doughnut and shift my baby into gear..
Next thing I know I spot Stallone on the tracks. I pull over on the gravel road and get out of the car to join him. It's broad daylight, but not too warm. The surrounding landscape is fields as far as I can see with the odd shrub dotted here and there. The city shimmers in the distance behind me. The train line passes through in a sweeping curve and is raised several metres from the ground on a rocky embankment. A stone's throw below us is a house which I only just spotted.
"Mmmphh trmph mhhhh wrrf mmmmbd," Sly mumbles, scratching his head.
"What?"
"Whhrr glpp mmrrff hmmm."
I can't understand a word he's saying so I start to think about how we're both going to get home, since, mysteriously, my taxi has disappeared. Sly and I mull this over for a while and the thought of waiting for a train to come by crosses my mind.
I'm in the house I saw earlier. I have gone into the house because my backpack is in there; I needed a place to put it when I arrived. This doesn't strike me as out of the ordinary. Sly, the moron, has stayed out on the train line. I felt it safe to leave him there because he was only shuffling around aimlessly worried about how he was going to get home. Besides, I got the impression he was afraid of the house as he vehemently refused to come with me when I asked.
The voice in my head dutifully advises me that a single mother with two or three children live in the house. Without warning I get extremely paranoid and rush off to find my backpack so we can get the hell out of here. "The mother is a drug addict." Man I wish my brain would tell me these things earlier instead of raising it as an afterthought. One of these days it's going to get me killed, I swear. And after I'm dead it might have the foresight to mention, "By the way, that man has a gun."
I find my backpack and run out to join Stallone again. I rifle through the bag and find my wallet. I open it and (surprise, surprise) all my money and cards have been stolen. I swear loudly. Sly mumbles some words of comfort.
"Thanks Sly, but that really doesn't help," I say. "I'm going back to find my cash, wait here."
When I get to the house I see the mother in her car in the garage about to leave. I start abusing the shit out of her knowing full well this won't help. She returns the abuse out of the car window. I demand my money back but she floors it instead and screeches out of the garage. I can't believe it: I'm stuck out in the bush with no money, no transport and a retarded actor who I can't understand.
I keep hurling insults at the woman as the car drives away and as a final act of outrage I stick my finger up at her. Somehow she must have seen this because the next thing I know she starts reversing back towards me. I try to move but my legs are planted to the spot, in typical fashion. She makes several attempts to run me over. I try to position myself between a small tree and the insane woman who won't shut up and who is trying to kill me.
I'm terrified, but without warning the woman has gone. I take a rest to get over this ordeal before rejoining Sylvester on the tracks. I look at him then up and down the train line and shrug.
"Let's start walking, eh?"
We climb down to the road and begin the arduous journey back to the city.
October 8, 2007 |
|
|
| Meat-eaters ftw |
[Tue, 23-Jun-2009 19:17] |
I normally dislike passive-aggressiveness, but this is fucking hilarious.
 |
|
|
| Going down |
[Mon, 25-May-2009 19:56] |
| [ | Tags | | | sport | ] |
| [ | music |
| | This Morn' Omina -- Epoch | ] |
2004
2009
|
|
|
| You can choose your friends, but not your family |
[Thu, 21-May-2009 20:30] |
| [ | Tags | | | kids, retards | ] |
| [ | music |
| | platEAU -- Purple Passion | ] |
Awkward Family Photos
That last one is just plain creepy. But I can't help but get excited that their heights form a perfectly straight line. And they didn't even have photoshop in those days! |
|
|
| Childhood Memories, Part 2 |
[Sat, 09-May-2009 19:07] |
Tales of the Riverbank
Ladies and gentlemen, right here is the difference between kids shows of our youth and kids shows of the 21st century. Where today would you see a hamster build a cannon and start shelling the shit out of his friends and their houses and pass it off as mischief?
Useless trivia: I used to play the theme song on the guitar all the time! |
|
|
| Childhood Memories, Part 1 |
[Sat, 09-May-2009 18:50] |
Whenever I tried to explain this to similarly-aged friends of mine, they thought I was crazy. But now I have the proof! If you are a 30-something you may remember seeing this in between shows on ABC when you were young. Presenting the sand animation of A.E.I.O.U!
|
|
|
| Praying to the wrong god |
[Wed, 25-Mar-2009 15:44] |
Praying pilot jailed after fatal crash
A fuel-gauge malfunction was partly to blame but prosecutors also said the pilot succumbed to panic, praying out loud instead of following emergency procedures and then opting to crash-land the plane instead trying to reach a nearby airport. |
|
|
| That kid is back on the escalator! |
[Mon, 15-Sep-2008 20:17] |
Boy caught in shopping mall escalator
A four-year-old boy's hand was stuck in an escalator for 45 minutes as paramedics worked to free him today in Melbourne's east.
The youngster was running his hand along the handrail at Eastland Shopping Centre in Ringwood when it got caught at the bottom of the escalator.
I wouldn't normally pay much attention to such articles except that I just finished watching Mallrats. ;) |
|
|
| "I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master. " |
[Sat, 13-Sep-2008 10:09] |
I'm not sure of the origin of this picture, but keep imagining the Emperor behind the camera becoming ever frustrated at trying to set this photo up. |
|
|
| What the fuck happened to my Internet? |
[Tue, 19-Aug-2008 19:48] |
The Internet is dead. Long live the Internet.
It's been gradual, but the Interwebs is turning into a haven for retarded egotists and is being overrun by obfuscatory and inane websites.
And you know what the number one problem is? Comments. Every freaking website and - gah, I hesitate to use this term - blog seems to have a "feature" to leave comments. Why?? No, think a moment before you answer.. WHY? What so-called websites lack in useful content they think they can make up by having everyday Internet newbies post their useless fucking thoughts. GO. AWAY. NOOBS.
News websites are the worst. Most news media are supposed to be semi-respectable (unless you're News Ltd) but now suddenly every commenter is a fucking expert. Yes we know The Advertiser is a Liberal-leaning, sensationalist piece of shit newspaper but nobody is making you read it. Let them write their stories and go read The Age or something. And now I notice online shops are joining the fray. I was on a t-shirt website today which had the product details in one small corner and the rest of the screen was filled with Web 2.0 clusterfuck crap such as comments and users who had added it as their "favourite". No, I don't care that you love this t-shirt and wore it to a recent Foo Fighters concert. I. DON'T. FUCKING. CARE.
And you know what I think spawned this demon? Self-obsessed website authors. There once was a time when men were men, and websites were websites. Mr Website Owner would upload his content to his website and it would be Useful (subjective, of course). Then he thought, "What if I'm the only one looking at my site?" so he invented the Hit Counter. The hit counter was mildly annoying and conceited but mostly hidden down the bottom of a page where nobody looked. But how many hits were him and how many were people just refreshing the page? Then there were http logs, which could provide unique hits for all pages. Problem is, these are only useful to the website owner. Of course, people could email the site owner if they had a question or feedback but nobody else sees these either. So eventually Comments were invented. Although not an accurate reflection of visitor numbers, it allowed Joe Public to post shit like "nice article" and "first", like it mattered. The more comments left, the more popular the website looked and the more comments it generated - like a retarded perpetual motion machine of death.
Commentators liken this fatal spiral of turd to a new sense of community in digital form. Bullshit. It's another avenue for retarded kids to one-up everybody else, as if their insignificant opinion matters to anybody else. I am yet to see a site with comments that adds anything to the original article. I have never googled a topic and found a useful hit from a site comment. Forums, yes, but forums are different. Comments for the lose.
You may call me hypocritical for using a journal website that has the ability to leave comments. I chose Livejournal for two reasons: it's the original journal website (and thankfully hasn't changed, or needed to change, in over 10 years) and the comments are hidden away behind a clickable link so they're not thrust in your face like most sites. Besides, it's not like anybody reads this and I figure if they really have something pressing to ask me, they can email me. Email. Remember that? |
|
|
| Lobster Death |
[Mon, 21-Jul-2008 14:51] |
|
|
|
| Baby Anja photos and radio interview |
[Tue, 15-Jul-2008 00:31] |
| [ | Tags | | | kids | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ABC Classic FM | ] |
Preliminary photos of Anjanka (Anja) can be found here: http://www.photoblog.com/babycashew/2008/07/14/
More photos and gory details are forthcoming when I'm not busy being a dad.
Since Em and I have become instant celebrities after the birth of our first child, we are providing a once-off radio interview to Tim Noonan on ABC Radio on Tuesday 15/07. Apparently this will be at 10:30am CST on 891 AM. I suspect we'll be discussing topics ranging from our choice of names to our unorthodox methods of parenthood and eventually our sinister plans for world domination. You can listen on the interwebs here.
::UPDATE 20/07::
The entire interview can be heard here. [mp3] |
|
|
| Baby #2 |
[Thu, 03-Jul-2008 21:24] |
| [ | Tags | | | kids | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Screamfeeder -- Stopless | ] |
I had a proud moment this evening: whilst walking around a crowded shopping mall with my heavily pregnant wife, I was consciously on the lookout for anybody not giving her room or cutting her off so I could give them what-for. I think those paternal instincts are finally sinking in as I feel a need to protect my lioness and her cub.
So yeah.. BACK THE HELL OFF YOU EMO FREAK! |
|
|
| Baby |
[Wed, 25-Jun-2008 17:23] |
| [ | Tags | | | kids | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Luscious Jackson -- Deep Shag | ] |
These thoughts have crossed my mind occasionally..
 |
|
|
| "Your honour, the only exhibits necessary were those numbered 1 through 9." |
[Tue, 10-Jun-2008 21:49] |
| [ | Tags | | | retards | ] |
| [ | music |
| | This Mortal Coil -- Sixteen Days (Gathering Dust) | ] |
Suduko-playing jurors force drug trial to be aborted
The judge was alerted after it was observed the jurors were writing vertically, rather than horizontally. It had been assumed they were taking notes.
...
"I noticed they were writing in all different directions and straight away I thought 'they're not taking notes like we thought they were'." |
|
|
| "This way the smell of rubbish masks the smell of cigarettes." |
[Wed, 14-May-2008 19:17] |
| [ | Tags | | | death | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ladytron -- Destroy Everything You Touch | ] |
It is a source of amusement for me seeing a group of people (usually women) on a smoke-break in their nice suits huddled around a city bin.
..As if this somehow reduces effort when it's time to butt out. |
|
|
| So you're going to become a dad.. |
[Sun, 13-Apr-2008 19:43] |
| [ | Tags | | | kids | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Slowdive -- Catch the Breeze | ] |
..And I will be come late-July, pending everything going well. And if I'm to believe everybody I come into contact with, my life will be ABSOLUTE HELL.
The comments are usually something like this:
"Let me give you some advice: Better catch up on sleep now! Har har har!"
"Man you won't know what hit you. You better like the site of yellow poo! Har har har!"
"Your life will be hell after the baby's born, but don't worry, it'll all be worth it... when they're 21 and leave home! Har har har!"
Or the latest classic:
"What do you mean you're going to use cloth nappies, are you insane? Better get a TV installed in the laundry, you'll be spending a lot of time there! Har har har!"
How is any of this advice useful? Come to think of it, this isn't actually advice at all! It's one-upmanship always dispensed with a knowing smirk and an air of haughty contempt as if to say "I've been there and I lost control, now let's see you try!" Oddly, I'm sometimes given "advice" from people who haven't even spawned children yet!
This achieves nothing. If you're going to make comments or provide advice (on which I'll make my views clear on another rainy day), then make it something productive like: "Oh, you're going to use cloth nappies? I didn't, but I've heard if you drypail it makes the washing experience so much quicker and easier."
Anyway, back to my original point: my life will be hell. Why tell somebody this? Do you think I don't understand what I'm getting myself into? Amusingly whenever I hear this, it makes me so angry that I'm motivated even more to tackle these hellish tasks head-on and prove them wrong.
Let's put it another way: if you're going to do something crazy like get pregnant and have a child, you'd better be damn sure about and prepared for what's coming. If you're not, what the hell are you thinking?
This is our first kid and we're as ready as anything. I'm prepared for some hard work but I'm not kidding myself by thinking it will be easy. My idea of hell is the retards I deal with daily at work, in public and those who make comments on the AdelaideNow website. These people should know better but don't and I have to put up with their mouths flapping as they make it harder for me to do my job and live my life. A 6-week-old hasn't yet the mental capacity to do much else than suck, burp, shit and cry. But that's life and this why I'm prepared because this baby will need our almost 100% attention. If I cave in or lose the plot, then I show exactly what I'm made of: a weak-minded sack of skin and bones.
If you ask me in 4 months time how I feel about getting 2 hours of disjointed sleep a night, I'll probably tell you it sucks but it's far from hell. You do what you do and you get on with life. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lobsterdeath's journal
